Saturday, April 12, 2014

The 10 Principles of Modern Non-Faith


Watch what you say. It can get you fired.

Ousted Mozilla CEO Brendan Eich got into trouble because he once gave money to oppose gay marriage.

Movie actress Kirsten Dunst got into trouble for saying that men should be men and women should be women.

Nobel Prize-winning biologist James Watson got into trouble for saying he was pessimistic about Africa.

All of them sinned by denying sacred truths of our non-religion.

As a public service, I here present modern society's 10 principles of non-faith.

Memorize them. Repeat them loudly in public. Persecute anyone who denies them.

You might still get into trouble, because new principles are invented every year. But you'll be safer if you mindlessly parrot these 10 principles and keep your mouth shut about everything else.

Principle 1

There is no God. Only the material universe exists. Science has proven it. Traditional religion is simply an excuse for heterosexual white males to oppress women and Africans.

Principle 2

Human beings are just animals with delusions of grandeur. They are nothing more than biological machines that interact with computers.

Principle 3

Because human beings are just animals, it doesn't matter what you do to them. Their fate and their happiness have no significance.

Principle 4

Because you are just an animal, it doesn't matter what you do. Your actions have no moral significance.

Principle 5

Abortion is a holy sacrament that must not be doubted, criticized, or limited in any way. The little buggers have it coming for making their mothers gain weight.

Principle 6

The sexes are equal in every way, except where women are better than men.

Principle 7

All differences between men and women result from discrimination by the patriarchy, except when they favor women, in which case they're only fair and natural.

Principle 8

Sex is just a social construct, anyway. Check your privilege.

Principle 9

All racial groups are equal in every way, except where other groups are better than whites and Asians.

Principle 10

All sexual practices are okay except for normal heterosexuality, which is rape, oppresses women, and sometimes leads to (ugh!) babies. But see Principle 5.

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